I don't really have much to say when I am not on the project. My days in Bolpur are mostly boring. The only bright spot is The English Adda, which happens every evening. Arindam, Kunal and Sunipa come around 4:30 and stay on till sometimes 7:00 and sometimes even 8:00. They seem to enjoy being here and I enjoy having them around. Young people are so full of energy and enthusiasm that I feel quite good just being around them.
I haven't gone to the project as I had planned to because when I arrived in Bolpur, the young people mentioned above were very anxious to continue with the spoken English sessions. All of them are going to be busy from mid December till mid January and were anxious to practise their English before that. I agreed. Especially as they seemed very keen and I noticed that they were making good progress.
The intial hesitation is gone. They now speak unhesitantly and can express themselves quite well. Now I need to work on their sense of tense and also pronounciation. A typical session consists of a bit of reading, learning the meaning of difficult words and pronunciation. This is followed by an "adda" when they all talk about what they had done the previous day -- thus learning how to express themselves. It's working very well.
I was hoping to start proper English sessions from January. But I have received news that I may have to attend a few trainning programmes in UP from mid December till mid January. So I'm afraid I will not be able to start anything new till that is over. Perhaps the beginning of February will be a good time?
As for the project, according to Renee, it is running by itself. Bhola has hardly been around for the past two weeks because his "taxi" has been hired for Panchayat Elections due to take place on the 13th of this month. Radha has been absent for a while and Raiman has been sick. Both are now back to teaching. But it seems that even though there were no teachers, the children behaved themselves and attended school regularly. It seems some of the teachers need more discipline than the students as they apparently spend more time on the cell phone and less time in class!
There's only Renee and Shanku on the project. Raiman spends the night on the project. Kartik is too busy with farm work after school. There's no question of asking Radha to stay over at night. But Renee says that she's quite comfortable and has no issues about her stay there. In any case, she's due to leave the project in a few days for a month long break. Hopefully some of the issues will be sorted out by the time she comes back in January.
It's wet and cold in Bolpur these days. The days have been grey for the past few days and last night it rained as if it was monsoon. Any plans I had made in my mind to make a quick dash to the project were scuttled. I don't even feel like going out to buy vegetables! It's not the cold that's bothering me. It's the grey weather and the threat of rain any moment. Last thing I want to do is get wet and fall ill during this season.
Well, that's all for the moment.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Happy Diwali
We have just finished lunch. But I am not ready for my afternoon nap. Frankly, when it's this pleasant, one does not even feel like a nap. It's neither hot nor cold. The day is bright. The breeze is gentle. Perhaps a little later, I'll lie down for a while and rest because tonight is going to be hectic in a fun sort of way.
The kids came to school today. But there were no classes. Instead, they spruced up the classrooms, cleaned up the temples and other "public" areas and went home to come back this evening to light up the lamps and burst the few crackers we bought and also partake of the sweets we have ordered for them.
Bhola went to Devdanr to fetch all this. Unfortunately, there's a tractor stuck on the only bridge on the only road connecting Devdanr to Roldih and so he can't come through. He's stuck there and couldn't even make it for lunch. Meanwhile Chandrama from Cheo came to collect the sweets for the kids up in the hills. So I asked him to go to the bridge on his motorbike and collect Cheo's share. No point in his waiting here. It's so convenient that he now has a bike.
Acorrding to him almost every family now has a motorbike! Wow!! That's progress for you. Not so long ago, the Paharias did not even possess bicycles. And now, all the young people that I know, have shiny new motorcycles. Even Chandrama, who claims that the honorarium we give him is the only income he has, bought a motorbike! It's second hand, but it did not come cheap.
I asked Ramnath if he has one and he made a sad face and said he has no money. But today I discovered that his son, who is in college and has no source of income, has a new motorcycle! Where did that come from? Hence, it's obvious that the Paharias are definitely earning enough money from the sale of forest produce and the sale of cash crops such as beans and oilseeds.
Now my next question is, why can't they pay for the education of their children? Some do. They spend good money to send their kids to government schools elsewhere. And I've been told they often have to give a "bribe" of upto 5,000 Rupees to get their children admitted to these schools that are free. So why can't these people pretend to be peniless when it comes to paying a few rupees fees to the project school in Cheo?
I am now, no longer feeling guilty about thinking of closing down the Cheo centre. Ramnath and Chandrama can continue teaching theire and getting the parents to pay them a "tuition fee". Whatever they get will be extra income. I'm sure they are not dependent of Dakshinayan for their bread and butter. In fact, no one is. Everyone here owns some land -- especially the tribals. So even if the Cheo centre closes down (even Roldih) the "teachers" won't be affected in any way. I do admit that the children of Cheo may be deprived of "quality education". But it's not as if they won't be getting any education at all. There is always the option of the government schools. The Cheo school is more like a preperatory school. It prepares the kids to gain easy entrance to the government schools.
Bhola is here now. The road is clear. Chandrama has taken his sweets and gone back to Cheo. Some of the school kids have started drifting in. The celebrations are going to start early it seems. So let me wish all of you a Very Happy and Enjoyable Diwali this evening with family and friends.
The kids came to school today. But there were no classes. Instead, they spruced up the classrooms, cleaned up the temples and other "public" areas and went home to come back this evening to light up the lamps and burst the few crackers we bought and also partake of the sweets we have ordered for them.
Bhola went to Devdanr to fetch all this. Unfortunately, there's a tractor stuck on the only bridge on the only road connecting Devdanr to Roldih and so he can't come through. He's stuck there and couldn't even make it for lunch. Meanwhile Chandrama from Cheo came to collect the sweets for the kids up in the hills. So I asked him to go to the bridge on his motorbike and collect Cheo's share. No point in his waiting here. It's so convenient that he now has a bike.
Acorrding to him almost every family now has a motorbike! Wow!! That's progress for you. Not so long ago, the Paharias did not even possess bicycles. And now, all the young people that I know, have shiny new motorcycles. Even Chandrama, who claims that the honorarium we give him is the only income he has, bought a motorbike! It's second hand, but it did not come cheap.
I asked Ramnath if he has one and he made a sad face and said he has no money. But today I discovered that his son, who is in college and has no source of income, has a new motorcycle! Where did that come from? Hence, it's obvious that the Paharias are definitely earning enough money from the sale of forest produce and the sale of cash crops such as beans and oilseeds.
Now my next question is, why can't they pay for the education of their children? Some do. They spend good money to send their kids to government schools elsewhere. And I've been told they often have to give a "bribe" of upto 5,000 Rupees to get their children admitted to these schools that are free. So why can't these people pretend to be peniless when it comes to paying a few rupees fees to the project school in Cheo?
I am now, no longer feeling guilty about thinking of closing down the Cheo centre. Ramnath and Chandrama can continue teaching theire and getting the parents to pay them a "tuition fee". Whatever they get will be extra income. I'm sure they are not dependent of Dakshinayan for their bread and butter. In fact, no one is. Everyone here owns some land -- especially the tribals. So even if the Cheo centre closes down (even Roldih) the "teachers" won't be affected in any way. I do admit that the children of Cheo may be deprived of "quality education". But it's not as if they won't be getting any education at all. There is always the option of the government schools. The Cheo school is more like a preperatory school. It prepares the kids to gain easy entrance to the government schools.
Bhola is here now. The road is clear. Chandrama has taken his sweets and gone back to Cheo. Some of the school kids have started drifting in. The celebrations are going to start early it seems. So let me wish all of you a Very Happy and Enjoyable Diwali this evening with family and friends.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Bad start to November
A new routine, a little lecture about the plight of children who are slave workers in fireworks factories, shampoo distribution to regulars and warning to those absent for more than 3 days in October -- that was assembly yesterday. The weather was cool. The sky was overcast and there were a few drops of rain too. But nothing to indicate that it would start raining later.
Attendance was good. School started well. But I did not teach. No point in starting when I know I will be gone in a few days. It would unnecessarily disrupt the new routine. Renee is teaching English in four classes -- 1 to 4. And since Bhola is teaching the other subjects in classes 3 and 4, there was nothing for me to do but to sit back and relax. Besides I was feeling unwell.
I've been getting headaches every day since I arrived here. At first I thought it was because of the bus journey. Ten I thought it was because of the change in weather. But when I started shivering around noon, I knew it was malaria. So I decided to take a dose of my herbal medicine and that's what prevented the fever from rising too high. I lay around all day with a fever and by evening I was already feeling better. I'm fine today. Just weak from the effects of the medicine.
But November started badly for me. Not only did I fall ill. My phone stopped working! Bhola checked with the service provider and was told that for some mysterious reason, my sim card has been rejected. Then I tried to get on the net and discovered that my data card was also not working! It's still not working, but I've managed to get online on a borrowed one. So for those who have my old project number, please note that it is not working. I'm not giving out my new number here. But I'll be sms-ing it to individuals.
I am wondering if all this has anything to with the fact that someone called me on that old number and told me that I had won a million rupees and could I please give him my name, my father's name and my bank account number! Of course I did not. It was obviously someone phishing. I then got a call from the service provider saying that should I get a call asking me for personal details, I should not oblige! The warning came late, but was not necessary. I was cautious anyway. But that night, my phone stopped working. So I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or someone deliberately tampering with my phone.
That aside, yesterday was also a very bad day weather-wise. It started raining soon after noon and continued all night. The temperature plunged by 10 degrees celsius and it was horribly cold. I felt it more because of my illness. Bhola went out in the rain because he had some family business to attend to and came back with a cold. He's feeling under the weather today. I hope he will be well for Diwali celebrations. I'm glad I'm feeling better. I was a little worried about my health. I usually fall ill around this time. Strange, but true. I've spent many Diwali nights in on a sick bed. Or I fall ill a few days before or after Diwali. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I was born on a Diwali night! According to the Indian calendar, my birthday is on Diwali. I, of course, prefer to celebrate it the Zodiac way.
Renee, after initially wonder if she could stay on at the project all by herself, has now "fitted in". She's happy teaching and taking part in all the chores -- cooking, cleaning, sweeping and of course spending time with the children. I've deliberately not interacted with her too much so that she doesn't feel my absence when I'm gone in a few days.
I have a hectic schedule ahead. As soon as I arrive in Kolkata, I will barely have time to pack my bags and head for the airport to catch a flight to Lucknow for yet another trainning sesson. I'll be back in Kolkata on the 12th unless there's a change of plan. I hope then I'll get a few days to spend in Bolpur. I'm expecting guests in the first week of December. I'm also hoping there'll be a few volunteers too!
Attendance was good. School started well. But I did not teach. No point in starting when I know I will be gone in a few days. It would unnecessarily disrupt the new routine. Renee is teaching English in four classes -- 1 to 4. And since Bhola is teaching the other subjects in classes 3 and 4, there was nothing for me to do but to sit back and relax. Besides I was feeling unwell.
I've been getting headaches every day since I arrived here. At first I thought it was because of the bus journey. Ten I thought it was because of the change in weather. But when I started shivering around noon, I knew it was malaria. So I decided to take a dose of my herbal medicine and that's what prevented the fever from rising too high. I lay around all day with a fever and by evening I was already feeling better. I'm fine today. Just weak from the effects of the medicine.
But November started badly for me. Not only did I fall ill. My phone stopped working! Bhola checked with the service provider and was told that for some mysterious reason, my sim card has been rejected. Then I tried to get on the net and discovered that my data card was also not working! It's still not working, but I've managed to get online on a borrowed one. So for those who have my old project number, please note that it is not working. I'm not giving out my new number here. But I'll be sms-ing it to individuals.
I am wondering if all this has anything to with the fact that someone called me on that old number and told me that I had won a million rupees and could I please give him my name, my father's name and my bank account number! Of course I did not. It was obviously someone phishing. I then got a call from the service provider saying that should I get a call asking me for personal details, I should not oblige! The warning came late, but was not necessary. I was cautious anyway. But that night, my phone stopped working. So I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or someone deliberately tampering with my phone.
That aside, yesterday was also a very bad day weather-wise. It started raining soon after noon and continued all night. The temperature plunged by 10 degrees celsius and it was horribly cold. I felt it more because of my illness. Bhola went out in the rain because he had some family business to attend to and came back with a cold. He's feeling under the weather today. I hope he will be well for Diwali celebrations. I'm glad I'm feeling better. I was a little worried about my health. I usually fall ill around this time. Strange, but true. I've spent many Diwali nights in on a sick bed. Or I fall ill a few days before or after Diwali. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I was born on a Diwali night! According to the Indian calendar, my birthday is on Diwali. I, of course, prefer to celebrate it the Zodiac way.
Renee, after initially wonder if she could stay on at the project all by herself, has now "fitted in". She's happy teaching and taking part in all the chores -- cooking, cleaning, sweeping and of course spending time with the children. I've deliberately not interacted with her too much so that she doesn't feel my absence when I'm gone in a few days.
I have a hectic schedule ahead. As soon as I arrive in Kolkata, I will barely have time to pack my bags and head for the airport to catch a flight to Lucknow for yet another trainning sesson. I'll be back in Kolkata on the 12th unless there's a change of plan. I hope then I'll get a few days to spend in Bolpur. I'm expecting guests in the first week of December. I'm also hoping there'll be a few volunteers too!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Diwali Preparations
We had an early lunch of "khichdri" today. It was delicious and everyone took multiple helpings. The reason we ate early was to ensure Bhola could have lunch before going to Godda to withdraw money to pay the honorariums and also to buy crackers and candles for Diwali. And thanks to Rahul's usual generosity, we will have a great Diwali. He has agreed to contribute the total estimated 6000 for the celebrations. Renee too chipped in with 500. Then unexpectedly, Mitali's son Jijo, who got his first salary, decided to send 500 for the children to celebrate Diwali. I am touched. Really deeply touched. God bless them all.
This year, we plan to spend more on sweets for the children and less on crackers. My daughter, Sukanya, does not approve of me spending ANY money on crackers. Not because it's a waste of money, which it is, she's principally opposed to crackers because they are manufactured using child labour. In fact, the children who work in the fireworks factories are literally slaves. They come to work before dawn and often have to work till midnight. And then start all over again before dawn -- 7 days a week. Working conditions are apalling. They hardly get much to eat. Parents, mostly impoverished peasants, get the money the children toil for. And as I write this, I am wondering why I buy even on cracker!
I told Bhola about this. He says we will no longer have crackers for Diwali celebrations. But since we have promised the kids this year, we should keep our promise. But we must tell the children about the child labourers who manufacture the crackers and explain to them why we should not have crackers any more. We'll spend the money we spend on crackers on sweets and fruits for the children here. So this year, even though there may be fire works, it is going to be very low-key. And Bhola will buy them from manufacturers who don't use child labour. There are a few such companies. Their crackers are expensive. But that doesn't matter. We'll have only a few crackers and our conscience will be clear.
The day has been ok so far. Attendance was good and attention was good in class too -- my class. Unfortunately, I had a severe headache and was unable to teach after the break. Bhola taught them maths instead. I don't know why, but I seem to wake up with a headache every day and unless I take a pain-killer, it stays with me all day. I'm feeling ok now, which is why I'm writing this blog.
It's becoming more and more pleasant as the days pass. Winter may set in after Diwali. Even Kolkata is no longer "sweaty". Today I took out my woollens and put them out in the sun.
I am touched by some of the responses I received on yesterdays blog post. Let's all pray that we don't have to close down the project... miracles do happen and I believe in it firmly. But the miracle has to be sustainable to make the project sustainable. Both Bhola and I are trying to figure out a way to make this miracle happen.
That's all for today. I'm grateful to all that the children will have a good Diwali this year too. They look forward to it all year. It would be a pity to disappoint them. Let's hope this is not the last Diwali. And we'll ensure that the next Diwali will not be enjoyed at the expense of little children elsewhere.
This year, we plan to spend more on sweets for the children and less on crackers. My daughter, Sukanya, does not approve of me spending ANY money on crackers. Not because it's a waste of money, which it is, she's principally opposed to crackers because they are manufactured using child labour. In fact, the children who work in the fireworks factories are literally slaves. They come to work before dawn and often have to work till midnight. And then start all over again before dawn -- 7 days a week. Working conditions are apalling. They hardly get much to eat. Parents, mostly impoverished peasants, get the money the children toil for. And as I write this, I am wondering why I buy even on cracker!
I told Bhola about this. He says we will no longer have crackers for Diwali celebrations. But since we have promised the kids this year, we should keep our promise. But we must tell the children about the child labourers who manufacture the crackers and explain to them why we should not have crackers any more. We'll spend the money we spend on crackers on sweets and fruits for the children here. So this year, even though there may be fire works, it is going to be very low-key. And Bhola will buy them from manufacturers who don't use child labour. There are a few such companies. Their crackers are expensive. But that doesn't matter. We'll have only a few crackers and our conscience will be clear.
The day has been ok so far. Attendance was good and attention was good in class too -- my class. Unfortunately, I had a severe headache and was unable to teach after the break. Bhola taught them maths instead. I don't know why, but I seem to wake up with a headache every day and unless I take a pain-killer, it stays with me all day. I'm feeling ok now, which is why I'm writing this blog.
It's becoming more and more pleasant as the days pass. Winter may set in after Diwali. Even Kolkata is no longer "sweaty". Today I took out my woollens and put them out in the sun.
I am touched by some of the responses I received on yesterdays blog post. Let's all pray that we don't have to close down the project... miracles do happen and I believe in it firmly. But the miracle has to be sustainable to make the project sustainable. Both Bhola and I are trying to figure out a way to make this miracle happen.
That's all for today. I'm grateful to all that the children will have a good Diwali this year too. They look forward to it all year. It would be a pity to disappoint them. Let's hope this is not the last Diwali. And we'll ensure that the next Diwali will not be enjoyed at the expense of little children elsewhere.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Chopping off Cheo?
I've just finished lunch. Shanku had cooked some delicious masoor dal with chunks of horse radish in it along with some fried potatoes. I had chapati, as usual, while the others -- Renee and Shanku -- had rice. Shanku can't live without rice and Renee is happy to have chapatis once a day in the evening.
I may be imagining it, but my paunch seems a little smaller. Bhola disagrees. He feels that my paunch is the way it was when he first met me! According to him I've always had a paunch! I somehow imagine that it grows when I eat rice and shrinks when I eat chapatis. That's one of the reasons I eat chapatis for both meals even in Bolpur. Unfotunately, I can't resist the tempation to soak my chapatis in ghee and/or cook my vegetables in ghee. I love to put a couple of spoonfulls in my dal too! Perhaps that explains why I look so "healthy" by Indian standards. Or maybe my genes are responsible. My father was a rice-eating Bengali from the east and my mother was rice-eating Tamilian from the south.
The weather here is wonderful these days. Very pleasant indoors. Not to hot outdoors and the nights are cold enough to use a quilt. It's feels so nice to curl up under one and sleep like a dog till dawn. And talking about dogs: Bruni lies around in the dappled shade all day and promptly curls up on her bed on my veranda at night. And she does snore! I used to think she was growling at something. Sometimes she does. Most of the time it's just her way of snoring. Hence, now I wait till she starts barking to investigate. And for some odd reason she barked last night a few times and Bhola and Shanku were running around in the middle of the night to find out why. We saw nothing.
Bhola was here last night. In fact, he was here all day yesterday and has only gone home this morning because he has to take care of the shop while his father has gone somewhere. He seemed somewhat relaxed yesterday and we spent a lot of time talking about the project and the future -- his own, the project's and mine too.
We all realize that the project is no longer sustainable. The number of volunteers visiting has dwindled. And the funds we generate from the fees is not even covering 40% of the project's yearly expenses. The various contributions we receive from friends and well-wishers adds up to no more than 10-15%. So where's the rest coming from? Part of it is coming from me -- the rent that I get from my Gurgaon flat. The rest is debt that keeps accumulating. When we have a "good" month, we are able to pay off some of the debts. But they keep mounting almost immediately. This month, thanks to Renee, we are able to pay off 50% of salary arrears. We won't be able to pay Shanku and Bhola this month too! And by the end of November the shortfall will once again be 40,000 plus. This is not a happy situation.
When I'm away from Roldih, I feel that I should perhaps close down the project. But when I come here and start teaching the children, I feel it would be a crime to do so! But one has to face reality sooner or later. The fact is that we just do not have the means to carry on. And I simply don't have the energy and inclination to go out and get funds from donor agencies and then run around submitting accounts and reports. All I wish to do is sit around in one place and perhaps teach a few children as long as I can. I can do that in Bolpur, Delhi, Kolkata, Uttaranchal or wherever. I don't need a project for that.
Running a project means overheads and salaries. And God knows, we hardly pay anything to those involved in the project. And that is worrying Bhola too. His business is suffering because he is spending so much time on the project. In fact, the past months he has been more away from it than on it and he feels that he isn't doing justice to the project or to his family. He has two daughters and he needs to take care of them and his wife and parents. He simply can't afford to spend his time running this project even though he feels very attached to what Dakshinayan is doing.
He's worried about me too! And so am I and the people close to me. Fortunately, I have been lucky not to be suffering from any major illnesses. Should I fall ill, there's no backup! I'll be at the mercy of friends and well-wishers! That's not a happy situation to be in. I don't mind begging for the project. But I can't beg for myself. I'd rather die! And I'm not joking when I say I'm looking for cyanide pills. I'd like to have them handy, just in case a situation arises where I become chronically ill or bedridden. Considering euthenasia is not legal, those pills may come in handy.
But melodrama aside, we do have serious sitation here and both Bhola and I are trying to figure out what to do next. I'll be writing to the Trustees to get their views too. Some of them have helped to keep this project afloat in times of crisis. The contributions of ex-volunteers have been phenomenal. But sadly, I have not been able to make the project self-sustaining and that's my biggest regret.
To begin with, we will probably close down the Cheo school. Ramnath and Chandrama live there. If they wish to continue running the school, they can do so by collecting a fee from the children who come to study there. But considering that no one here has the time to even visit, there's no point in continuing to run the centre and spend money on salaries and upkeep. With Cheo out of the way, perhaps we will be able to continue the school in Roldih for some more time. But sooner or later, time will decide what happens to this place.
I'm not too worried about my own future. The rent from my flat, if I don't have to support the project, will take care of my frugal needs. I'll probably have to move to a small town or go to an ashram somewhere. But I still have a little bit of energy left to teach in Bolpur and perhaps earn my keep. So I'm not too anxious at the moment, though I must admit that the prospect of falling ill terrifies me! I don't wish to spend my last few years being dependent in any way -- financially or physically.
Well, that's how things stand at the moment. By the end of this year, Bhola will go back to doing business. He'll keep and eye on the project whenever he can and also help out when necessary if time permits. Shanku's fate hangs in the balance. Ramnath and Chandrama will either find alternate employment or if, as they say, they wish to serve their community, they can continue teaching and earn something from the fees they may get. The infrastructure is there.
So will this be the last Diwali in Roldih? I don't know, but right now, after the chat we had yesterday, that's the way it feels. I'm trying to enjoy every moment that I am here just in case.....
I may be imagining it, but my paunch seems a little smaller. Bhola disagrees. He feels that my paunch is the way it was when he first met me! According to him I've always had a paunch! I somehow imagine that it grows when I eat rice and shrinks when I eat chapatis. That's one of the reasons I eat chapatis for both meals even in Bolpur. Unfotunately, I can't resist the tempation to soak my chapatis in ghee and/or cook my vegetables in ghee. I love to put a couple of spoonfulls in my dal too! Perhaps that explains why I look so "healthy" by Indian standards. Or maybe my genes are responsible. My father was a rice-eating Bengali from the east and my mother was rice-eating Tamilian from the south.
The weather here is wonderful these days. Very pleasant indoors. Not to hot outdoors and the nights are cold enough to use a quilt. It's feels so nice to curl up under one and sleep like a dog till dawn. And talking about dogs: Bruni lies around in the dappled shade all day and promptly curls up on her bed on my veranda at night. And she does snore! I used to think she was growling at something. Sometimes she does. Most of the time it's just her way of snoring. Hence, now I wait till she starts barking to investigate. And for some odd reason she barked last night a few times and Bhola and Shanku were running around in the middle of the night to find out why. We saw nothing.
Bhola was here last night. In fact, he was here all day yesterday and has only gone home this morning because he has to take care of the shop while his father has gone somewhere. He seemed somewhat relaxed yesterday and we spent a lot of time talking about the project and the future -- his own, the project's and mine too.
We all realize that the project is no longer sustainable. The number of volunteers visiting has dwindled. And the funds we generate from the fees is not even covering 40% of the project's yearly expenses. The various contributions we receive from friends and well-wishers adds up to no more than 10-15%. So where's the rest coming from? Part of it is coming from me -- the rent that I get from my Gurgaon flat. The rest is debt that keeps accumulating. When we have a "good" month, we are able to pay off some of the debts. But they keep mounting almost immediately. This month, thanks to Renee, we are able to pay off 50% of salary arrears. We won't be able to pay Shanku and Bhola this month too! And by the end of November the shortfall will once again be 40,000 plus. This is not a happy situation.
When I'm away from Roldih, I feel that I should perhaps close down the project. But when I come here and start teaching the children, I feel it would be a crime to do so! But one has to face reality sooner or later. The fact is that we just do not have the means to carry on. And I simply don't have the energy and inclination to go out and get funds from donor agencies and then run around submitting accounts and reports. All I wish to do is sit around in one place and perhaps teach a few children as long as I can. I can do that in Bolpur, Delhi, Kolkata, Uttaranchal or wherever. I don't need a project for that.
Running a project means overheads and salaries. And God knows, we hardly pay anything to those involved in the project. And that is worrying Bhola too. His business is suffering because he is spending so much time on the project. In fact, the past months he has been more away from it than on it and he feels that he isn't doing justice to the project or to his family. He has two daughters and he needs to take care of them and his wife and parents. He simply can't afford to spend his time running this project even though he feels very attached to what Dakshinayan is doing.
He's worried about me too! And so am I and the people close to me. Fortunately, I have been lucky not to be suffering from any major illnesses. Should I fall ill, there's no backup! I'll be at the mercy of friends and well-wishers! That's not a happy situation to be in. I don't mind begging for the project. But I can't beg for myself. I'd rather die! And I'm not joking when I say I'm looking for cyanide pills. I'd like to have them handy, just in case a situation arises where I become chronically ill or bedridden. Considering euthenasia is not legal, those pills may come in handy.
But melodrama aside, we do have serious sitation here and both Bhola and I are trying to figure out what to do next. I'll be writing to the Trustees to get their views too. Some of them have helped to keep this project afloat in times of crisis. The contributions of ex-volunteers have been phenomenal. But sadly, I have not been able to make the project self-sustaining and that's my biggest regret.
To begin with, we will probably close down the Cheo school. Ramnath and Chandrama live there. If they wish to continue running the school, they can do so by collecting a fee from the children who come to study there. But considering that no one here has the time to even visit, there's no point in continuing to run the centre and spend money on salaries and upkeep. With Cheo out of the way, perhaps we will be able to continue the school in Roldih for some more time. But sooner or later, time will decide what happens to this place.
I'm not too worried about my own future. The rent from my flat, if I don't have to support the project, will take care of my frugal needs. I'll probably have to move to a small town or go to an ashram somewhere. But I still have a little bit of energy left to teach in Bolpur and perhaps earn my keep. So I'm not too anxious at the moment, though I must admit that the prospect of falling ill terrifies me! I don't wish to spend my last few years being dependent in any way -- financially or physically.
Well, that's how things stand at the moment. By the end of this year, Bhola will go back to doing business. He'll keep and eye on the project whenever he can and also help out when necessary if time permits. Shanku's fate hangs in the balance. Ramnath and Chandrama will either find alternate employment or if, as they say, they wish to serve their community, they can continue teaching and earn something from the fees they may get. The infrastructure is there.
So will this be the last Diwali in Roldih? I don't know, but right now, after the chat we had yesterday, that's the way it feels. I'm trying to enjoy every moment that I am here just in case.....
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