Chopping off Cheo?

I've just finished lunch. Shanku had cooked some delicious masoor dal with chunks of horse radish in it along with some fried potatoes. I had chapati, as usual, while the others -- Renee and Shanku -- had rice. Shanku can't live without rice and Renee is happy to have chapatis once a day in the evening.

I may be imagining it, but my paunch seems a little smaller. Bhola disagrees. He feels that my paunch is the way it was when he first met me! According to him I've always had a paunch! I somehow imagine that it grows when I eat rice and shrinks when I eat chapatis. That's one of the reasons I eat chapatis for both meals even in Bolpur. Unfotunately, I can't resist the tempation to soak my chapatis in ghee and/or cook my vegetables in ghee. I love to put a couple of spoonfulls in my dal too! Perhaps that explains why I look so "healthy" by Indian standards. Or maybe my genes are responsible. My father was a rice-eating Bengali from the east and my mother was rice-eating Tamilian from the south.

The weather here is wonderful these days. Very pleasant indoors. Not to hot outdoors and the nights are cold enough to use a quilt. It's feels so nice to curl up under one and sleep like a dog till dawn. And talking about dogs: Bruni lies around in the dappled shade all day and promptly curls up on her bed on my veranda at night. And she does snore! I used to think she was growling at something. Sometimes she does. Most of the time it's just her way of snoring. Hence, now I wait till she starts barking to investigate. And for some odd reason she barked last night a few times and Bhola and Shanku were running around in the middle of the night to find out why. We saw nothing.

Bhola was here last night. In fact, he was here all day yesterday and has only gone home this morning because he has to take care of the shop while his father has gone somewhere. He seemed somewhat relaxed yesterday and we spent a lot of time talking about the project and the future -- his own, the project's and mine too.

We all realize that the project is no longer sustainable. The number of volunteers visiting has dwindled. And the funds we generate from the fees is not even covering 40% of the project's yearly expenses. The various contributions we receive from friends and well-wishers adds up to no more than 10-15%. So where's the rest coming from? Part of it is coming from me -- the rent that I get from my Gurgaon flat. The rest is debt that keeps accumulating. When we have a "good" month, we are able to pay off some of the debts. But they keep mounting almost immediately. This month, thanks to Renee, we are able to pay off 50% of salary arrears. We won't be able to pay Shanku and Bhola this month too! And by the end of November the shortfall will once again be 40,000 plus. This is not a happy situation.

When I'm away from Roldih, I feel that I should perhaps close down the project. But when I come here and start teaching the children, I feel it would be a crime to do so! But one has to face reality sooner or later. The fact is that we just do not have the means to carry on. And I simply don't have the energy and inclination to go out and get funds from donor agencies and then run around submitting accounts and reports. All I wish to do is sit around in one place and perhaps teach a few children as long as I can. I can do that in Bolpur, Delhi, Kolkata, Uttaranchal or wherever. I don't need a project for that.

Running a project means overheads and salaries. And God knows, we hardly pay anything to those involved in the project. And that is worrying Bhola too. His business is suffering because he is spending so much time on the project. In fact, the past months he has been more away from it than on it and he feels that he isn't doing justice to the project or to his family. He has two daughters and he needs to take care of them and his wife and parents. He simply can't afford to spend his time running this project even though he feels very attached to what Dakshinayan is doing.

He's worried about me too! And so am I and the people close to me. Fortunately, I have been lucky not to be suffering from any major illnesses. Should I fall ill, there's no backup! I'll be at the mercy of friends and well-wishers! That's not a happy situation to be in. I don't mind begging for the project. But I can't beg for myself. I'd rather die! And I'm not joking when I say I'm looking for cyanide pills. I'd like to have them handy, just in case a situation arises where I become chronically ill or bedridden. Considering euthenasia is not legal, those pills may come in handy.

But melodrama aside, we do have serious sitation here and both Bhola and I are trying to figure out what to do next. I'll be writing to the Trustees to get their views too. Some of them have helped to keep this project afloat in times of crisis. The contributions of ex-volunteers have been phenomenal. But sadly, I have not been able to make the project self-sustaining and that's my biggest regret.

To begin with, we will probably close down the Cheo school. Ramnath and Chandrama live there. If they wish to continue running the school, they can do so by collecting a fee from the children who come to study there. But considering that no one here has the time to even visit, there's no point in continuing to run the centre and spend money on salaries and upkeep. With Cheo out of the way, perhaps we will be able to continue the school in Roldih for some more time. But sooner or later, time will decide what happens to this place.

I'm not too worried about my own future. The rent from my flat, if I don't have to support the project, will take care of my frugal needs. I'll probably have to move to a small town or go to an ashram somewhere. But I still have a little bit of energy left to teach in Bolpur and perhaps earn my keep. So I'm not too anxious at the moment, though I must admit that the prospect of falling ill terrifies me! I don't wish to spend my last few years being dependent in any way -- financially or physically.

Well, that's how things stand at the moment. By the end of this year, Bhola will go back to doing business. He'll keep and eye on the project whenever he can and also help out when necessary if time permits. Shanku's fate hangs in the balance. Ramnath and Chandrama will either find alternate employment or if, as they say, they wish to serve their community, they can continue teaching and earn something from the fees they may get. The infrastructure is there.

So will this be the last Diwali in Roldih? I don't know, but right now, after the chat we had yesterday, that's the way it feels. I'm trying to enjoy every moment that I am here just in case.....