Whispering Walls

The net connection is still very bad and erratic. I know they are working to fix the problem. But how long will it take? It's really very frustrating. Also, the weather hasn't been good. There's still a cloud cover and and there's still no rain! What's happening? It's so humid and oppressive. No wonder I am not feeling well. What is worse is that my batteries are not getting charged. No sunlight and hence no solar energy. Anyway, since I'm not teaching and getting bored lying in bed, I've decided to use one of the CMPCs that the kids use to type out something... today's blog entry?

Instead of writing their assignments on the CMPCs the girls were using the built-in cameras to take pictures of themselves. I discovered this when I went to check their assignments! This is Lalita....

Many people, though not daring to say it to me directly, have complained to others that I sound depressed and frustrated. That my blogs read as if I detest the community that I work with. That I live in a village because it makes me feel "superior". Who knows? They may be right. I do think about all this myself -- did I come here because I was a misfit in Delhi? Have I become a development worker to avoid taking care of a family? Am I really unable to form relationships with people -- especially the ones who work on the project. Believe me, I have a LOT of time to think -- especially when I am ill and in bed -- like now.

But the blog is my way of communitcating, sharing with people what I am thinking and feeling. My readers are interacting with colleagues, family and friends on a daily basis. They might bad-mouth their neighbours or even their own friends during the course of a conversation. But for me, the blog is the only way I not only keep you informed of what's happening on the project but also sharing with you what I am feeling at the moment -- anger, frustration, depressing, elation and joy too! But simply because it get's commited to print (I was about to say paper) what would seem like a simple gossip or comment seems more important than it really is.

... and this is Radha... Maybe Anjana did not have time to take a picture of herself...

And because the blog is my way of communicating, it's frustrating when I don't get any comments on it and much is said off it! It's like talking to a wall that doesn't talk back, but whispers when my back is turned to it! Anyway.....

When Sukanya was a baby, I used to be very excited about buying her toys. I'd get her wind-up cars, bugs and beetles and a host of other toys that I never had the good fortune of having when I was a child. Unfortunately, the toys were always too "advanced" for her age. A baby who was just learning to crawl would hardly be interested in a racing car!Her mother used to be irritated. Get her what she needs, or wait till she's able to appreciate what you get her, she'd say.

Meena was right. The toys were more for me than for Sukanya. I wanted her to have what I didn't have as a child. I was using her as an excuse to be able to indulge in my childhood fantasies of playing with cars and other toys. I never once thought of going out and buying her a doll. My excuse: don't wish her to "role conditioned" into behaving like a girl.

Anyway, Sukanya was all-girl when she was growing up and is a fine woman now. And I'm not saying this because I'm her father. I've seen very few kids grow up on their own. I was never there and her mother has always been engrossed in her work. So Sunkanya would get ready and go to school and come back and cook for herself from the time she entered her teens.She'd deal with her own problems. No one had to ask her to study. And unlike many other parents, Meena never had to run around for her education. Sukanya behaved like a responsible adult from a very young age. She's definitely a lot more sensible and practical than I'll ever be. And as I always say, she got her brains from her mother and lack of beauty from me!

Anyway, this is not about Sukanya. Funnily enough, this is about running a project: Do development projects treat communities the way I treated Sukanya when she was a child? Am I, and others like me, giving them something they are not interested in or ready for? I sometimes feel that NGOs often (A) implement programmes that they feel should be implemented (and sometimes this is necessary) and (B) often implement programmes that the communities are not ready for. Do people want better homes? Better clothes, better education for their children? You and I think so. But does the community think like that? If they really do wish for such things, why aren't they willing to work or strive for them?

Example one: After we gave the villagers a couple of paddy-threshing machines, I announced to everyone that if they could form similar groups of five, we'd get them more machines. It's been a year and not one person has come forward to avail of this opportunity! Or discuss any difficulties they may be facing. And this is despite regular visits to the community!

Example two: While Rahul was here, we met a few people who were working with computers. Rahul then offered to arrange for a training programme for them in Delhi -- a programme that would not only teach the participants about what a computer can do but also help them to use their knowledge to generate income for themselves. We made every effort to spread the word around. I met a few people might have been able to suggest a few trainees. End result? No one is interested. No one has come forward.

One thing is certain -- I'm not going to go around begging them to attend a training session so that I can write that in my report. I'm also not going to buy paddy threshing machines and distribute them in the villages just because some donor agency has given me funds to buy these machines.In fact, this is one of the reasons I am averse to asking donor agencies for funds. Once I accept the funds, I'll HAVE TO implement the programme even if it's not viable.

If you think I sound like a frustrated old development activist, then listen to what Ramnath in Cheo has to say: The people don't want to work because they are getting free rations. The children don't wish to study because they will be "passed" anyway. Parents send kids to our school for a couple of years so that they learn enough to get admission easily. Ramnath is from the local community and has been working with his own community for as long as I have worked in this area.

Now here's something I always ask myself -- if you on shore and see a ship sinking and you know you can't stop it from sinking, what would you do? Just wring your hands and watch it sink? Find people who can stop the disaster? Or jump in and rescue as many people as you can? I have my answer. What about you?