I don't know why I allowed myself to be lulled into this false belief that the net would work without a hitch. In fact, it hasn't been working at all! When it does, I am grateful. Like this morning, I was quite happy that I was able to check mail. The net hadn't been working all of Sunday and I had started wondering if I'd have to wait for another month to be able to get online! But when it worked this morning I thought to myself -- Wow! I'll be able to upload a blog entry this evening.
Well, I couldn't. I tried and tried from 3:45 till 5:30 and then again from 7:00 (no I did not do my full yoga session) and now finally I am writing on a notepad in the hope that I'll be able to upload it someday. I am also wondering why I hadn't done this earlier -- why I was dying to share my thoughts and feeling about the project. Now that moment has passed and I really don't have much to say!
I am very concerned about the project these days. Not only concerned about the present and the financial crisis that the project is in, but also about the future. What will is going to happend to this place? Who will take over? Will the school continue after I'm gone?
Deena left after 14 years. Rajkanna left after 3 years.Chandan left after 5 years. Rajin showed not interest. So many others came and went. A few that were willing to stay were not capable. And there was no guarantee that they would have stayed on after my departure. So what happens to the project and the school after I've gone?
I've talked to some friends about it. Discussed it with local people. No one seems to have an answer. They all say silly things like -- You are not going anywhere. Where's the guarantee? I could be gone any moment. In fact I could have been gone on Friday night had I stepped on the cobra which was right next to my bed.
Honestly, I wouldn't really care once I've gone. But it would be sad that so much money and effort should go to waste. Or worse, go to people who don't deserve it! I know that there are a few local businessmen who are counting the trees and estimating the amount of brick that can be recovered if the buildings are demolised. And believe me, I'm not being dramatic.
On Independence Day I mentioned to the assembled parents and villagers that it's becoming difficult for me to keep the project going. I am tired of begging for funds. I'm tired of trying to find GOOD teachers who are sincere about teaching. I've already informed them that I will probably run the project as a gurukul for as long as I can and then leave. Strangely, there was no reaction at all. Later some people asked Bhola, what will happen to the buildings? The roofing sheets could be distributed. And who will get the trees? Not a single parent wanted to know who will teach their kids! Not one parent wished to know if they could do something to help.
Anyway, que sera sera. Right now I still have enough energy to teach. I don't need much to keep body and soul together. I'm sure that can be arranged. As long as the kids show they are really interested in learning, I'll find the enthusiasm to continue teaching. The rest I leave to Destiny.
It's been a routine day. The kids are happy with their new uniforms. And then I did a very stupid thing. I had a tailor take the measurements of the kids in classes one and two! The idea was to use the left over material to stitch shits for them. But when the last kid was being measured, it suddenly struck me that the class two kids students will be wearing Indian uniform next year. So what's the point of giving them shirts now. Also, in three month's time, some of the kids in classes one and two are definitely not going to seek re-admission. They are not going to pass their exams. And they are simply too old to stay on in those classes. So now, I've decided that no shirts are going to be stitched till next year's admission! What's going to be very embarrassing is having to admit to the disappointed kids that their guruji is capable of making humongous blunders! I'm sure they'll love that and forget their own disappointment.
Bhola has started village visits all over again. Today he went to Lomboi Marandi's home. He also had to deal with a puncture and with an irrate Harish. Apparently, Bruni and her brood ate up one of his hens. And not only that. They attacked the goats and bit one of them. Harish is Parvati's father. He didn't know how to face me. So he took it out on poor Bhola! I will let them deal with this. If there's a fine to be paid, Suman and Khagen will pay. That will ensure that they take care of the dogs and keep them tied up during the day as I keep instructing them.
Well, dinner is waiting. So I'll end this now. Hope I can upload it when I get back....
20:31 17-08-2009: Dinner's over... but I still can't upload... hope things are going to be better tomorrow?
18th Aug... the net seems to be working again... but is quite slow at the moment. Anyway, hopefully I will be able to upload this now... but there's no way I'll be able to upload any pictures given the present speed.
2 comments:
Hello, old friend. I think it's been a while since I left a comment, but I'm still reading.
I understand your frustrations with the apathy and lack of gratitude from people. But I noticed something though, and I'm sure you have too. The apathy is all from the adults. You said yourself that the children are still excited to learn. They love the school. They spend as much time as possible at the school (showing up early, doing exercise classes with Khagen late). And I'm still quite shocked that while I was there they all showed up everday for school while out of term. Plus, the children invest a lot into the school. They help with the upkeep like cleaning and gardening, and the older kids are always looking out for the younger ones. If I remember correctly, you said they are even helping to teach the younger students! At the very least the school is making a difference and there are plenty of (little) people who care about it. And because it's the kids who care about it, perhaps the school does have a future.
Yes Sim, the school does have a future. It's just that when you live alone and have no one to discuss things with and feeling unwell and sorry for yourself, you tend to take a very myopic view of life and a very jaundiced look at people around you. But thanks for your comments. It shows someone is reading what I am writing.
Someone once called me a pessemistic optimist. Or was it optimistic pessmist? He said that I may sound as if I'm disgusted with the project or a given situation, but I don't give up!
Pessemist or optimist, I don't know. But I sure am a masochist! Why else am I hanging around in this heat and humidity instead of heading for the mountians where I have a lot of friends waiting for me?
Thanks friend. Do comment. And as often as you can. It helps me to stay sane..... (and sober)
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